Should I get a divorce from my husband?

Hi Desty!  I'm Maya, one of the therapists here on Better Help.  I'm a marriage and family therapist.  One of my specialities is helping people explore the question of whether to remain married or get a divorce.  No one should TELL you whether to stay or go, not even a therapist!  It's a big and very personal decision that is entirely up YOU. That said, I can provide some insights that may give you some food for thought.  

Ideally, you and your spouse would be able to make this big decision mutually, as a team!  But if the two of you are not able to agree on staying together, or on going your separate ways, and the relationship remains in emotional "limbo" due to that indecision, then you might want to consider getting some help as a couple.  Marriage therapy could help the two of you improve communication so that you could then have a calm and productive conversation about whether to stay together and work on bettering the relationship, or part ways.  And guess what? Sometimes when communication improves, couples experience that the relationship feels good again and then they feel more motivation to stay together!  

Of course, many people do decide to make a unilateral decision to divorce, even if their spouse is not on board with the idea.   How to decide if you should go for it or just stay married?  Well, you could just trust your gut instincts.  There's actually a lot to be said for that approach.  But if you are looking for a more structured way to make the decision, I would suggest doing some 'values work.'  In brief, that means deeply exploring your values and mindfully 'curating' them and putting them in an order of priority. That's something you could explore on your own or in individual therapy.   Once you have identified a set of values that you wish to live by, you can rely on them as a compass!... they can guide all of your life decisions, big and small.  They can even help you decide whether or not to stay in a marriage or leave it. If you do decide to divorce, individual therapy can help you adjust to your new life as a single woman, and thrive!  And if you decide to stay married, couples therapy (or even individual therapy, to an extent) can help you learn how to improve the relationship! 

Sex is not considered important to everyone, but most people do consider sex an important part of marriage.  It sounds like it really bothers you that your union is sexless even though it's been that way for four years and counting.  And I'm sure it's very frustrating for you to feel that there's just no intimacy there for you, and that your partner is not managing stress well.  If you begin marriage therapy with your partner, those issues and others can be addressed and potentially resolved. If your spouse won't go to therapy with you, sometimes individual therapy can be of great help with relationship issues too, although the best place to deal with them is in couple therapy, if possible. BetterHelp has a sister site called REGAIN that's designed for couples therapy.  

Self help books are also an option for you too. For couples interested in a better connection, I really recommend the communication book "The Power of Two" by Susan Heitler.  It's a game changer.   

It's great that you're trying to be "kind and understanding."  You can never go wrong with that approach! You can continue to be kind and understanding to your spouse, even if you decide to divorce. 

You say you "can't" handle the marriage problems anymore, but apparently you CAN since you're evidently still handling them.  So I think what's closer to the truth is that part of you wants to leave while part of you wants to stay.  You have one foot IN your marriage and one foot OUT of it, emotionally.  You feel ambivalent. 

One foot is not enough to choose divorce, it requires two feet.  One foot is also not enough to make a happy marriage, it requires two feet.  I'm not saying you should rush yourself into a decision here.  Sometimes it's good to stand in that ambivalence for a while, patiently tolerating the frustration of it, rather than making an impulsive move just to avoid the unsettled feeling of being in relationship limbo.   But eventually, it's probably a good idea to make a clear decision one way or another, since clarity fosters simplicity, and "simplicity is the key to happiness in the modern world" to quote the Dalai Lama. 

Once the decision is made, you can turn your attention to the rest of your life!  Remember, your relationship status is only one part of your life, and so is your relationship with your spouse.  Don't let your marriage (or divorce) completely define your identity.  Live life larger than that.    

Know that there is no absolute "right" or "wrong" decision here.  With a good  attitude, you can likely make EITHER decision work quite well for you.  What do I mean by a "good" attitude?  One that's positive, proactive, persistent, optimistic, and creative.   An attitude that realizes "the future is not something that happens to me, I am something that happens to my future."  

This is my best advice for you, I hope it helps!

Maya