So I’ve been feeling lonely and I wish I can fix it but i don’t know how?

I tried to get a place with my ex but she didn’t want to buy then we took a long break to not getting back together So I moved on and into a house and lately I’ve been feeling lonely, like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I just want to be happy because recently I’ve just been sad and also feeling like why does my life have to be like this.
Asked by Daniel
Answered
11/24/2022

Daniel, it seems like you've gone through a difficult/complicated breakup. There are probably details you could go through in a therapy session that would help you understand exactly why your situation is so painful. I know the question entails that you want to talk about loneliness and why this life is this way. Still, I think it is this way because of what happened to us and how it triggered something inside us, revealing a vulnerability we may never have known existed. 

You moved into a house, still feel lonely, nobody to talk to. These are all stressors that someone who loses an identity deals with. When we are with someone, especially someone we have plans to commit to or be with long term, we form an identity of ourselves with that person. We bond. It's like we forget who we were before this person; instead, we are this new person now. However, when that person decides not to be with us anymore, it takes away that version of us with her. We become lost because we don't fully know who we are anymore. Old things we did, we did with her, and now are often painful because they are no longer what this new, single version wants to do. 

Loneliness comes from a sense of feeling alone. The number of people, the attention, and the external validation does not cure loneliness. Often our minds will revert to childhood, where we received validation and recognition for doing things like chores, making money, or doing good things. As adults, we realize that this is no longer effective. We live our life, learn something, reform our identity, lose that identity, and in that grieving/seeking period, we lose interest in things we once loved, and then we are left to figure out who we are now in the midst of it all. Loneliness is not permanent but will pass as you get to know yourself more, live according to what you determine matters in life, and start to place yourself in environments where you will find people you connect with on that intimate level. 

Remember that the internet has sort of ruined what would have been proximity. In the past, people would start relationships with people they saw at their grocery store, their bar, and their gym; now, the internet offers what appears to be endless possibilities for companionship. This awareness makes us feel even worse if we are alone or struggling with finding a partner. 

The most significant thing you can do right now is to start to see yourself as someone who others would want to see. I don't mean say a few nice things and walk off, but ponder what you think about yourself and understand that you are suitable for people; they need you and your presence. Once you believe you are good for others, you will not hesitate to bring yourself into their lives. Seeing yourself as the person people want in their life does not mean people please or put up a front, but care for others, listen, open up, and confess. Honest and authentic people are the kinds of people, people gravitate towards. You can, too, if you discover what you want out of life and then work in some small way every day towards being around those people. 

(LCPC)