What are the first steps to having better communication with my wife?

Hello and good afternoon, let me try to give you a little bit of advice and direction as far as your relationship is concerned. So, what you are describing here as far as where your relationship is, the issues with communication etc.… Well, I can tell you from quite a lot of experience, this is a very common thing that happens to a lot of couples. The novelty and passion sort of cools down, and you fall into a pattern… And sometimes that pattern is not that interesting, it's not that exciting… Communication seems to break down a little bit, and people begin to feel a little bit distant from each other, and that's exactly what you are describing here. And I'm not telling you this to minimize your situation, but rather to let you know that this is something that a lot of couples deal with, and it is certainly something that can be overcome. 

We have to remember that good relationships take work. It's a myth that if two people are meant to be together, they don't have to put in any effort at all into the relationship, and things are just going to magically fall into place. It sure would be nice if it worked that way, but let's be honest, that is completely unrealistic! Good relationships require work and regular communication, so I'm going to make a few suggestions for you to try to implement. Try to find some common ground between you and your wife. Often times as people get comfortable in a relationship, they may have a good amount of time together, but the element of quality seems to be lacking. When is the last time the two of you had a date? I noticed I didn't say date night, just a date… Because you can do something during the day as well. And think outside the box. Going to dinner is fine, but maybe you should get a little bit more creative. Talk about common ground that the two of you have. What are some of the mutual interests that the two of you have? What things do you have in common?  You definitely want to try to find some things that the two of you can do together.

Another thing that helps to strengthen relationships is having mutual goals, things that both of you are interested in and invested in as far as making these things happen, do you have any of these? I would also recommend that you and your wife have a conversation about what each of you expect from each other in the relationship. Remember, we all have expectations in a romantic relationship, and we are supposed to. But what people often times fail to do is communicate what those are. But then when those expectations aren't being met, we want to hold someone accountable. But you can't do that. You can't try to hold someone accountable for something that they were never made aware of, and that they never agreed to. So I think it would be helpful for you and your wife to talk about what each of you expect from each other in the relationship. And if we're talking about some of those more abstract things such as validation, feeling loved etc., talk about the deliverables. For example, if your wife told you that she wants to feel validated in the relationship, you need to make sure that you understand exactly what she would be looking for in that respect.

And finally, perhaps give some thought to having a time on a weekly basis where the two of you sit down with each other and basically talk about the status of the relationship… What's working well, and what could be imporved. Remember, in a healthy romantic relationship, we should feel both happiness and comfort. All too often, because the element of quality diminishes, people recognize that while they are very comfortable in a relationship, they're not as happy as they should be. So keep that in mind as well. I hope you find this helpful, have a nice weekend!