What do I do?

I am sorry that you are experiencing this. Ending a relationship, can be a painful emotional process to go through. Not only romantic, yet breaking away from a professional, or friendships, can also be an emotionally painful experience. 

When you mentioned 'chaotic' , I am not sure exactly what you meant, yet I am assuming that perhaps verbal arguments,  but whatever that was, it sounded that you believe that ending was the best for both of you. 

Usually, I tell my clients to make 2 lists, side by side - on the top I would like you to write: positive, and the other side, you write negative.

Once you have it all completed. I want you to put that away. Please do not look. I know it will be hard, but please put it away. 2 full days after. open and read out loud to yourself. Do a check and balances with your pros and cons. Ask yourself out loud, what am I thinking right now? and write it down, word by word, what is in your head at that particular second. this step is crucial, it has to be word by word. once you have it down on a paper, re read the thought, and ask yourself if it is true or not. most likely it will not be true, from there truly ask yourself what is easier, being in a relationship that is causing toxic thoughts, or trying to heal and become 'healthy' again? 

Often we have this faulty thinking that staying in a bad relationship, bad job, bad boss, is easier than actually trying something new and having to (what many people often say and believe) start all over again. Truth is, we don't start anything all over again, unless when a college paper or work document is lost during a surge...but is not starting, it is actually giving us a new chance to learn something new. New people, new skills, maybe even a new town. I think that when we say to us, internally, that 'starting all over' not only triggers that exhaustion feeling that we will have to build the same thing/work allover again. (Just like I said, losing a paper that is one word left to be done, or a monthly report that took a very long time. That dreadful feeling of restarting, remembering all the important factors that we so carefully had pointed out.) Using this type of terminology, is so toxic for us, yet we continue to do it and continue to allow our friends to utilize it as well. How many times have you told friends or family, to let it go and start all over again.... we don't start relationships, because that part, of your life ended, and choosing to live in the past, won't help anyone live their present. And the reason is, when we live in the past, we automatically jump to the future, and when we do that, we already predict horrible things, thus creating that anxious feeling. and if we are stuck in the past, and playing psychic, predicting the future, we do not live in the present! I want you to remember this, thinking causes feelings and feelings causes the behaviors. It is not people or things that makes us in any type of way...It is us! it is the way we perceived the things and people, if we thinking negative things about someone or an event, then we will feel negative. If we engage in anxious thoughts, we will feel anxious. That is why i ask you to write down, word by word, what you are thinking at that time, and then ask yourself if that is true or false. 

I hope this helps you in any way. Don't be your enemy, and manage your self talk, don't allow your self talk to tell you negative things about you or the event. Dispute these negative self talks by asking yourself if it is true. 

wishing the best

Gabby