What do I do?

Hello Roger!

Thank you for your question. Relationships can be filled with joy and they can also be filled with pain. We never know for sure what direction our relationships will take. We can make our best effort to intentionally strengthen a relationship, but there are no guarantees. I can hear in your words that you are experiencing pain. I hope you are doing some self-care while you are working through this challenge. Self-care would be things like talking with trusted friends or family and refraining from mentally beating yourself up (if you tend to do that).

So, your question is “what to do?”. There are a lot of variables which would influence the answer to the question:

1. One variable relates to what triggered this in the first place. Was your girlfriend upset about something that happened and she potentially overreacted? Has she been upset about things for a while? Is she open to talking about this and trying to work out a compromise? Do you know what she is upset about? The fact that she continues to send you text messages could mean a lot of different things, but one of those possibilities is that she is open to conversation. So, if that was the case, then one potential next step would be to arrange to get together and talk about what is bothering her. Attempt to really understand each other and find some common ground. The question in this case would be: “What needs to change for us to be together?”

2. On the other hand, if she has truly made up her mind that she wants to leave the relationship, then the most important thing you can do is accept the situation and take care of yourself. None of us has the power to make another person do anything. We can’t make someone we love – love us back. If this is the case, then no amount of talking or negotiating will change the situation. The kindest thing you could do then would be to accept her decision and then do some things to help yourself. One thing that would be important – if she is certain that she wants to end the relationship – would be for her to stop sending you text messages or other forms of communication. That just sends a mixed message and that is not fair to you. You wouldn’t know what her intentions are. It would tend to get your hopes up only to be disappointed. Some other things that you might do to help yourself would be to talk to someone (friend or counselor), write about your feelings, think about what you really appreciated about having this relationship (the memories that you cherish) even though it has ended, treat yourself to something you really enjoy (like a massage for example), extend a helping hand to someone else who might need something (helping others frequently provides some relief from the sorrow you might be feeling), and so forth. There are many more things that you can do to help yourself to navigate this difficult time.

3. If she is simply not sure what she wants, then perhaps you and she need to take a time out from your relationship. This would provide some down time for both of you to think about what you want from a relationship. Sometimes, it is hard for us to think clearly when we keep being exposed to whatever is triggering the strong feelings. If you take some time away from each other, then you might be able to think and talk rationally and logically. Then, if she was willing, you could discuss what it would need to look like to get back together. You would both want to identify your values and needs and discuss whether or not you could both respect each other’s values and meet each other’s needs.

4. With regards to this other guy that she is seeing: Again, we can’t make other people do anything. The fact that you know something about this guy that makes you believe he would not treat her as well as you isn’t going to make her stop seeing him. Telling her your thoughts about this other guy will just aggravate her and will not help the situation. If she wants to see another person, she can make that choice. I am going on an assumption that you are both adults and that you are both capable of making good decisions.

5. There is a therapeutic concept called radical acceptance. The short version of this concept is that we acknowledge something that has happened – even if we don’t like it. And we acknowledge our feelings about the situation that has happened. We simply recognize what has happened and we don’t fight the reality by trying to control it or deny it. We don’t make it worse by adding a “narrative” to the situation such as “this is terrible and I can’t stand it,” or “this is so unfair,” or “if I could just turn the clock back I could change things”.  When we add a “spin” (our own story) to the situation, it just makes it hurt that much worse. Acceptance means that we acknowledge what has happened and we align our behavior to match our values. “I will behave in a certain way that is a reflection of my values in spite of this thing that happened that I don’t like.” While this can be pretty difficult, with practice, it is possible. It allows a person to heal from their hurt much more quickly. Also, taking on this kind of perspective allows us to learn from the experience. This means that we reflect on our own behavior to determine if there is anything that we need to change before entering into a new relationship.

There are many more things that we would discuss if you and I were working together. This is just a basic overview of some potential options. I hope this has helped a little bit.

Thank you for reading my answer!

Judi