What should we do?

Hey great to meet you virtually,

New relationships can be so much fun in some senses and have so much stress placed on them when you want things to go right and be perfect, this can be really normal to start with and can feel massively overwhelming. 

Having a relationship with be cultural differences from my own experience can also have their own challenges and also some great rewards of seeing able to see different cultural experience from the inside out, and learn.

Taking time here to understand each other can be really important, you might not be able to get away with using the shorthand you are accustomed to this is a great opportunity to develop your communication in general. 

There are two things that I would recommend in this situation the first is to contract with each other and the second is make sure you are heard and understood and understand and make sure you have heard what is being said, I will explain both of these ideas in a little more detail. 

First make a contract with each other, this sounds complicated and its really not, make a simple agreement with each other, when are you going to speak to each other, what are your expectation when you do communicate and which methods of communication are working well and which methods need more attention. When making a contract/agreement set your relationship up to work and work well for both of you make this a win win agreement. 

The relationship contract should be growth orientated and be about how you are growing as a couple as well as how you are each taking responsibility for the relationship and would change over time, with reviews when you want them or just from time to time. 

The contract might include items such as honesty, date night, acceptance, commitment, and maybe some place to learn about each others cultures. 

The second point I made was to be heard and understood as well as to whole heartedly listen to each other. The Chinese symbol for listen is a symbol I hold close to my heart and describes listening as undivided attention, listening with heart, mind, eyes and ears. 

To understand each other can be really difficult especially if any of the stress hormones are surging they impair our ability to access the thinking part of the brain so if you are feeling stressed, stop and try a breathing exercise, take a walk or do whatever it is that calms you to start with. (don't just carry on do some thing mindful!)

Once you are feeling ready to listen, make sure you have understood what is being said, ask the question, is what you are saying...? If this is by text and this has not worked for you in the past send a voice note, or pick up the phone, we take the vast amount of what is being said and ignore it we are looking at body language and tone of voice, if communication by text is a trigger, take it out of the equation until you are ready to.

If you are still not sure you understand each other don't add to this conversation, stop and just listen to what is being said, until you can say, 'I think what you are saying here is...' and your partner replies with, 'i feel heard/yes'.

I hope this helps

Best wishes,

Neil