Where do attachment issues stem from?

During childhood, we look to our parents or caregivers for information about who we are, how we should operate in the world, and how we should interact with other people.  Those messages largely come through via relationship dynamics we experience with our caregivers in early development.

Because our first relationships are with our caregivers, we learn and adopt attachment styles from our earliest interactions.  To form secure attachments to our caregiver(s), we need many needs to be met—physical safety within the relationship, emotional availability, and expression of love.  If these elements are not met, the child may begin to adjust their attachment style to meet their needs.   This may influence an anxious or avoidant attachment, depending on the circumstances of the environment and the child's unique qualities.

In anxious attachment, the child (and eventually, adult) will seek out excessive closeness either physically, emotionally, or both.  They may pursue intimacy often and dislike space from their caregivers or partners.  Contrarily, someone with an avoidant attachment will seek the opposite as they find discomfort in intimacy and may gravitate toward space from the person/relationship.  Either of these styles can often become dominant when the child’s emotional needs have not been met.  These styles can also result from trauma or abandonment, as both are emotionally overwhelming and can change how the child interacts with their caregiver(s) (especially if the caregiver is also the perpetrator).

Though attachment styles feel rigid, that doesn’t mean they aren’t changeable with work.  People with an anxious attachment style can learn to balance intimacy and reframe what “space” means.  People with an avoidant style can learn to ease into the discomfort of physical touch and presence.  This can bring challenges and feelings of vulnerability, but the payoff is more secure, fulfilling, and stable relationships.  The person may still have some elements of these attachment styles, but the overall driver of the relationship is a balance between the two.

There are also many resources on attachment styles that can shine a light on moving through these styles ashttps://www.betterhelp.com/advice/attachment/ways-to-create-a-secure-attachment/. 

And, of course, therapy can be a great way to work through the way the past has chained us down!