Why attachment is important?

In relationships, attachment is how close or far we position ourselves from our partners, both physically and emotionally.  That can shape how successful and fulfilling our relationships are, as emotional and physical elements play an important role in creating secure bonds with others.

The way we operate in relationships is generally based on our attachment styles.  Out of the three styles—avoidant, anxious, and secure---we tend to strongly adopt one that we then bring into our relationships with others.  In an avoidant style, physical and emotional intimacy brings discomfort and is circumvented when possible.  In an anxious style, the opposite is true—they will seek out excessive intimacy if possible.  Secure attachments are the balance of both, where there is a healthy desire between both space and closeness. 

In relationships with an avoidant attachment, bonding is difficult to maintain as the person is often absent emotionally or physically.  Partners of someone with this style may feel neglected or exhausted by this pattern of flightiness, therefore disengaging from the relationship.  Reversely, people may feel overwhelmed in relationships where the anxious attachment is present; partners of someone with this style may feel smothered and attempt to reestablish their own space (which then intensifies the anxious attachment behavior).  It can become even more complicated when one partner is avoidant and the other is anxious (imagine the ways that could play out!).

Moving toward secure attachments can be very difficult yet can provide the necessary environment for the relationship to grow and reach new potentials.   Avoidant and anxious attachments do not allow for the sense of safety or security in a relationship—one of the components of building trust, communication, and strength between partners.  Learning how to cope with the discomfort of intimacy or space can eventually teach the brain how to function in that gray area—the space where we feel vulnerable, exposed, or open to hurt/pain.  When we let ourselves sit in that grayness, we give ourselves the chance to experience new ways of relating to others that are much more satisfying than old patterns that don’t serve us in the long term.

The brain is so flexible and capable of change.  We can get unstuck at any time in our lives, no matter how long we’ve lived these patterns!