Why can't I let go of the past?

I seem to attract the same type of men my ex husband was, it seems I can't break free from the cycle of disaster relationships and it's frustrating.....
Asked by Carla


Thank you for reaching out. You have taken the right step by getting help from a mental health professional. You are not alone when it comes to not being able to break from the cycle of attracting and being with the same type of a person. There are many reasons for this. It is that you are becoming aware of this situation and want to take a step to take control of your situation. 

One of the reasons why women tend to choose the same type of men as their ex is due to following the same pattern. Many times women are not self aware and don’t recognize their emotional needs and their love language. In the initial stages the infatuation takes over the rational thought and they fall in the trap of being attracted to the same kind. For this reason, it is extremely important for women to take some time and recover from their past relationship- this would require for them to fully understand their previous relationship, why and how it failed and where they were wrong and where their ex was wrong.

Once one gains clarity in this then they come to realize their own weaknesses and strengths in relationships- as for weakness if you take time in recovering you can start working on the weaknesses and opt for personal growth before you step in future relationships. As you work on yourself you will understand yourself more and will know which boundaries you want to have and where you are willing to be flexible. You will understand what matters to you most and what your values are. The more clarity you have about yourself the easier it will be for you to handle yourself in relationships.  

When you feel ready for your next relationship, that's when you can start to think about the type of person you want to get involved with. Now you are aware of the issues you had with your ex and understand that some of the issues were perhaps related to your own shortcomings and some were related to them. This is when it is best to see if the person holds the same values as you, think logically and then emotionally. After going through these steps, if you decide to move on with a person who is similar to your ex, you will still be in better shape to keep your boundaries so that you don’t fall into the same cycle again. I wish you the best and hope this was helpful. 


Dr. Saima