Why do I keep being triggered by stuff from the past that I thought I was over and had forgiven?

Dear Asia,

I am so glad that you are reaching out for support during this distressing time.  And you ask some good questions that I look forward to providing some wisdom connected to being a therapist for over 15 years as well as working with over a thousand people and the professional wisdom that I learned through school and continuing education. 

First of all, it sounds like there are many different emotional distressing realities right now in your life.  And the realities that you are living in have been making you feel overwhelmed, questioning yourself and the people around you.  You don't know what is wise for you and your life and the choices before you.  That is a hard reality to live in day in and day out.  It sounds like you deeply desire clarity for what is wise with your ex husband.  I would encourage you to be kind to all the different emotions that you have right now.  When we are compassionate with ourselves, it helps us to listen to our struggles wisely and then know how to step forward wisely.  

Secondly, I want to talk about your question, "Why do I keep being triggered by stuff from the past that I thought I was over and had forgiven?"  
There are two different realities going on in your mind body and soul connected to the wounds from the past that you did forgive and move on from in some way shape or form.  At some point in the past, it sounds like you did do some work to forgive what has happened.  AND that forgiveness of those past wounds does not change that your body holds onto the wounds in different ways.  

The ways that your body is responding to you by being triggered is not in the logical part of your brain that was connected to the forgiveness process.  This triggered state is in your deepest part of your brain that is there to keep yourself from future harm.  This part of our brain remembers all the past wounds and will hold onto them until you do some body work to move through them.  Because of that, you can do the mental and spiritual work of forgiveness but that doesn't change the body's story that says I am still hurting, I am still scared, I am still unsure about what to do with regards to these actions that happened in the past and may also have actions in the present that remind your body of those past actions.  

I have worked with many folks in your shoes.  They have done the hard work of forgiveness but their bodies still remind them that there is more work to be done.  I want to make sure you know that, this response in your body does not negate the beautiful hard work that you have done to work through the past.  This struggle is here to help you move through the body pain that is connected to these triggers.  Your body mind and soul want to be more free than you are now.

Because of this reality, you are going to need to do some body based healing work. If you are willing to do some body based therapy, your body will move through the triggered states and help your body to calm itself in those times as well as release the wounds of the past so you don't have the triggers happen as much.  

I want to provide with you some names of body based work that you can seek out with a therapist who works with folks who struggle with trauma.  

• EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  This is a body based therapy that leverages bilateral stimulation to help the brain and body to process wounds from the past. https://www.emdria.org/about-emdr-therapy/
• Another option is Brainspotting.  This trauma processing technique is focused on using eye positioning to help our body's to move through trauma. Here is some information about this technique: www.brainspotting.com
• Another option is Somatic Experiencing.  This technique using body responses and moving through them to help our bodies to have some healing and release the triggered responses.  Here is some more information about Somatic Experiencing: https://therapy-mn.com/blog/somatic-experiencing-ptsd/#:~:text=Somatic%20Experiencing%20is%20a%20body,natural%20bodily%20(somatic)%20responses.

I hope you can find a therapist that will help you to move through the body responses to these triggered responses.  You need to have some help to get through this!

And I want to talk about how you can manage these thoughts and struggles before you get to see a therapist to help you move through the stuck experiences.  

It is going to be important that you spend some time calming your body mind and soul when you are triggered to past experiences.  I would encourage you to spend time writing about what happens in your body when you are triggered.  Write about what you feel when you are triggered.  Seek to write out what you are thinking when you are triggered.  It is important to notice this information.  It is also important to learn ways to calm your body mind and soul when triggered.  

One of the ways that we calm our bodies is through deep breathing.  I encourage you to practice deep breathing regularly to help your body and mind to calm itself.  Make sure that you are making your belly is move outwards when you are deep breathing.  This mechanism is why our bodies feel a bit calmer with deep breathing.  

Another thing that can be calming for our bodies is bilateral stimulation music.  This music helps our body and brain to calm itself when we are triggered.  You can find bilateral stimulation music on any of the music platforms.  Here is my favorite bilateral stimulation tracks:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eu_kSaFzSR0&list=RDEu_kSaFzSR0&start_radio=1

I hope that you are able to learn more ways to calm your body and care well for yourself in the triggers and seek out therapeutic support for yourself!

Paula