Why do I self sabotage.

This is a very important question - and a common one, too!  We often self-sabotage and seem to reject affection/support/love/care/etc. from our husbands because we don't feel that we deserve it. Maybe there's something in our past that has haunted us with guilt/shame where we have not completely forgiven ourselves - and so we respond to affection/support/etc. as if we are discrediting it and possibly even criticizing it. Maybe we just generally have a low self-image and don't feel worthy. Sometimes we self-sabotage because we have only had dysfunctional relationships and we don't have the skills to navigate a healthy relationship - or maybe we don't have strong relationship skills at all due to lack of experience or immaturity. Some of us have issues with trust and abandonment, so we self-sabotage as a protection so that we aren't as hurt if our husband decides to leave the relationship. Other times we self-sabotage because we don't feel as though we can live up to what we perceive as our husband's expectations of us or our own expectations of marriage. We lack the self-confidence to be effective wives for our husbands. We say things like "I just can't be the person he needs"  or  "He deserves so much more than me." 

The answer to stop self-sabotaging is to better understand yourself and what you bring to the marriage. Understanding the limits you place on yourself and improving your level of confidence will be helpful. One way to understand these limits and improve self-confidence is to take a clear look at your values, your strengths, and your thought patterns. Goal setting and making small changes at a time is warranted as you work toward long-lasting change. Also, clear communication about reasonable expectations and how to grow together is very important in the elimination of self-sabotaging behaviors.

I know you said that your husband is not interested in couples therapy - and that's okay. You can still take time and effort to work on you. When you learn new ways of thinking and reacting, you will begin to feel more confident which will lead to feeling more comfortable in your marriage.