How do I connect with people?

Hello, Thank you for asking your question, it is an important question for many people who might be struggling with their own sense of identity, but in particular for people in your age group, where we are still possibly finding out who we are and what we value, while the drive to feel a part of a group, outside of our family of origin, is most strong.

It sounds as though you are grieving the loss of your previous friendship group and a little confused as to how that could have happened. You mentioned that you thought that they felt they might be better off without you, I imagine this may have been experienced as rejection and disappointment, which can both be extremely painful emotions to bear. Do you feel that it has knocked your confidence and made you doubt what you have to offer to others? You sound as if you might be being very harsh on yourself with the way you describe how you perceive certain parts of your personality and traits. Is this a familiar thing for you to do?

The development of a confident and stable sense of self is one of the key developmental goals of being a young adult. These years may be the first time an individual has begun to question how their identity may effect their own future and happiness in life. This can result in a person becoming incredibly self conscious about themselves and the way others might see them. This may often take the form of self doubt and self criticism, which can effect the natural developmental maturing process, increasing a person's anxiety which restricts their opportunities to explore and experiment with their social peers, something that can be a positive factor when we are trying to work out where we fit into our world.

The development of a positive self identity is important, it is correlated with a good sense of self esteem in later life. During these developmental years it is important that we give ourselves the opportunities and nurturing environment in which our sense of self can develop to its full potential. We can explore our different roles and attitudes in different settings and with different groups, home, school and different social environments give us the opportunity to explore our own values and belief systems, personal ethics, spirituality, sexuality and gender. The environment of our own mind is equally important, if it is a negative or critical place to be then we will fail to grow as strong as we could possibly become, if it is a more positive and nurturing space, then we have created the environment in which positive self esteem is more likely to occur or that change may happen.

The ability to feel connected with others is essential to our well being in life, when we feel disconnected it can leave us feeling isolated and vulnerable, maybe suffering with anxiety, low mood or depression. Therefore it is important to maximize our potential to connect with people in a positive and nurturing manner. Ask yourself the question of where you feel you may already be doing this or finding it a little easier to connect. This may lead you to reassess your current skills, attitudes and behavior which help you. Or imagine someone that you know in reality or fiction who you would imagine to have this skill to connect with others more easily than you are currently experiencing it, what do they do that possibly has such a positive effect on connectivity? Is that skill something that you already have experience with or the potential to explore?.

Sometimes just keeping it as simple as possible rather than overthinking the situation can be very helpful. When our barriers are up and we are looking to disconnect, we may look for all the reasons that we feel different to others and of course the reverse is also true, when we are looking to connect we notice the similarities, it doesn't have to be a perfect match, when we can notice that "this is a bit like that" then we have a pattern match and have created the environment in which we are more likely to feel connected to others and for them to feel connected to us.

I hope that you find these reflective thoughts helpful to you and are able to put them into practice as a way of taking back personal control of your wellbeing in life,

I wish you well

Rebecca Hutchings