How do I know if I am handling my situation properly?

Hi Paco, 

Thank you for your question. You've taken an important step in bringing your concerns here- it sounds like you have some insight into the areas that you want to work on and that is really helpful in getting started. You want to work on yourself in order to better manage anger, improve your self-worth, and communicate better as a partner (or ex-partner). All of these things can be helped by working with a mental health professional and I would recommend getting connected to therapy- in the meantime, there are also some strategies that you can start trying to implement on your own.

The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. On the other hand, we can’t physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.

People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful.

Avoid over-generalizations. Keep words like “always,” “never” or “everyone” out of discussions. For example, instead of saying “everyone takes advantage of me,” and getting more and more worked up, focus just on the other person in the conflict. You might say instead “I can’t do this for you over the weekend. I already have plans.” This keeps the discussion to the issue at hand and helps anger from building to unmanageable levels.

Focusing on managing your anger and improving communication skills may help you to feel more in control and as a result start to impact your self-worth. In addition, there are strategies you can use for specifically improving the way you view your self. A lot of this has to do with recognizing and challenging negative thinking. 

Notice your thoughts about the situations that tend to trigger feelings of low self-worth. This includes what you tell yourself (self-talk) and how you view the situations.Your thoughts and beliefs might be positive, negative or neutral. They might be rational, based on reason or facts. Or they may be irrational, based on false ideas. Ask yourself if these beliefs are true. Would you say them to a friend? If you wouldn't say them to someone else, don't say them to yourself.

Your initial thoughts might not be the only way to view a situation. Ask yourself whether your view is in line with facts and logic. Or is there another explanation? Be aware that it can be hard to see flaws in your logic. Long-held thoughts and beliefs can feel factual even if they're opinions. Also notice if you're having these thought patterns that erode self-esteem:

• All-or-nothing thinking. This involves seeing things as either all good or all bad. For example, you may think, "If I don't succeed in this task, I'm a total failure."
• Mental filtering. This means you focus and dwell on the negatives. It can distort your view of a person or situation. For example, "I made a mistake on that report and now everyone will realize I'm not up to the job."
• Converting positives into negatives. This may involve rejecting your achievements and other positive experiences by insisting that they don't count. For example, "I only did well on that test because it was so easy."
• Jumping to negative conclusions. You may tend to reach a negative conclusion with little or no evidence. For example, "My friend hasn't replied to my text, so I must have done something to make her angry."
• Mistaking feelings for facts. You may confuse feelings or beliefs with facts. For example, "I feel like a failure, so I must be a failure."
• Negative self-talk. You undervalue yourself. You may put yourself down or joke about your faults. For example, you may say, "I don't deserve anything better."

Now replace negative or untrue thoughts with positive, accurate thoughts. Try these strategies:

• Use hopeful statements. Be kind and encouraging to yourself. Instead of thinking a situation won't go well, focus on the positive. Tell yourself, "Even though it's tough, I can handle this."
• Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. But mistakes aren't permanent reflections on you as a person. They're moments in time. Tell yourself, "I made a mistake, but that doesn't make me a bad person."
• Avoid 'should' and 'must' statements. If you find that your thoughts are full of these words, you might be putting too many demands on yourself. Try to remove these words from your thoughts. It may lead to a healthier view of what to expect from yourself.
• Focus on the positive. Think about the parts of your life that work well. Remember the skills you've used to cope with challenges.
• Consider what you've learned. If it was a negative experience, what changes can you make next time to create a more positive outcome?
• Relabel upsetting thoughts. Think of negative thoughts as signals to try new, healthy patterns. Ask yourself, "What can I think and do to make this less stressful?"
• Encourage yourself. Give yourself credit for making positive changes. For example, "My presentation might not have been perfect, but my colleagues asked questions and remained engaged. That means I met my goal."

Try making some of these changes and monitor what impact they have. Consider if it's time for professional support. Best of luck, Paco!