How to want to find your true self when you feel like your persona self is the best version of you?

I feel as though a persona version of me like at work, school, or relationships all are a persona of who I ideally want to be rather than who I feel I actually am, but everything only goes well when I’m this persona version of me. I struggle still because I can be so stuck to this image of myself of who I should be, that I can even have trouble forming sentences/doing actions without serious consideration of how I look/sound like effects this image of me/how well I treat others.
Asked by Rebecca
Answered
10/24/2022

It sounds like you don't feel like you can be your authentic self in front of other people. There may be different reasons behind why this is the case. Sometimes it can be the surrounding environment around us that makes us feel like we cannot be our true selves or due to past situations that made us feel this way or negative thoughts that are leading us to believe that we cannot be ourselves. 

Something to think about is where do you think this idea of not being able to be your true self comes from. For example, if you moved away from the perceived image that you believe people want you to be, what would this mean to you? If people disapproved of your true self, how would this affect you? Sometimes we may feel like others around us may not approve of who we are if they knew we had a particular interest, personality trait, or even opinion. Is it possible to still have a good relationship with people even if we don't see eye to eye? And yes, of course it is possible. Sometimes it may take people some time to process how we see things or feel about situations, but it also doesn't mean that people will stop speaking to us or think less of us. And if they do, are these people that we even want to be around us? If we are unsure if it's worth being open and honest about our own feelings for fears that it can jeopardize our current relationships with others, then we must really think why this is the case.

If people think less of us because of the way we perceive a situation, we really need to think if these are individuals that we want in our lives. For example, let's say that everyone at school is getting straight As in classes or building their resume to get another job. And let's say you are getting B's or not quite there in having the time to build your resume. You may feel like you also need to be at the same place where your peers are in their lives. And this is not always the case for everyone. And if we are in different places than our peers, does this mean we are valued less or less worthy? Let's consider that some people would stop speaking to you as they may not want to speak to you anymore because you are in a different place. What would this say to you about that person? Is a person's worth only based on where they are in their career? If not, then let's consider a peer who is honest, trustworthy, and kind, but perhaps focusing on their studies right now. Would this make you want to be their friend any less? Let's say this friend is having some major stressors due to family issues and doesn't have the time to build their resume at the moment. Does this mean they won't ever advance in their career? It may seem sometimes like things are very apparent or clear based on what we see in front of us, but there may be more to the story than we know. And if there is a chance that you would be friends with someone who is still trying to figure things out for themselves, is it possible for you to also be kind to yourself and accept that you may be in different places in your life than others? And this does not mean all people would necessarily think less of you as a result. But perhaps we have been in situations were people thought less of us because of an assumption they made, then we have to really think if this is really about us (who we are as individuals or more about the person making the assumptions about us).

One way to start practicing being true to yourself is by practicing words of affirmation as it can help you start believing in yourself. In addition, I would practice assertive communication as it will help you explore your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, wants, and needs. Here is a worksheet that I would encourage you to explore that can help you navigate this type of communication style:

https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/assertive-communication

 

There are some great self-help books out that there that can help you better explore self-growth and exploring your authentic self. I would encourage you to check out:

1) Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck

2) Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff

3) Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your world with the Practice of Rain by Tara Brach

4)Self-Love Workbook: Love and Heal Yourself with Mindfulness, Forgiveness, Loving-Kindness & Authentic Self-Expression by Lola Malaika 

5) Ten Days to Self-Esteem by David Burns

 

If you still feel like you need additional support, I would encourage you to seek your own individual counseling services. Best of luck to you with everything on your self-growth journey.