I have a defensiveness, and think everyone is out to get me or has negative intentions, why?

This is an issue that many people struggle with I find, Mandi. As therapists, many of us have worked with clients who struggle with negative thoughts and feelings of paranoia. The origin of this issue can often be traced back to our early family life.

How we attach to our primary caregivers often has an impact in how we relate to other people as adults. If we are raised in a family environment with a lot chaos or with an unreliable caregiver, it can have an impact on how we feel about others when we are adults. If you want to know more about attachment theory, there is a lot of information out there that you can find on your own, just research Bowlby and Ainsworth Attachment Theory. 

As a cognitive behavioral therapist, I try and help people with this issue by encouraging them to become more aware of the thinking traps they are falling into when they are experiencing these paranoid thoughts and feelings. Our thoughts determine our reality, therefore, we need to be very discerning when it comes to which thoughts we incorporate into our reality. Since our reality shapes our perception of situations and circumstances in our life.   

All of us have thoughts constantly bombarding our mind throughout the day. We can't stop ourselves from thinking. However, we can decide which thoughts we want to believe to be true and which thoughts we want to outright reject. This is an important part of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) work. 

In CBT we encourage our clients to look for distorted thinking patterns that are having an impact on how they perceive reality. For instance, one type of cognitive distortion is called mind reading. This is a very common distortion many of us experience and it sounds as if you struggle with it as well, Mandi.

Mind reading is when we assume we know what others are thinking about us. Or, maybe we see them make an expression when we are talking to them or they respond in a certain way when we talk to them. We then start to think to ourselves: this person doesn't like me or I am really irritating them right now. However, we have no idea what this person is thinking, we only think we do. When we experience these thoughts, it is helpful for us to say: No, I am mind reading right now. I have no idea what they are thinking. Perhaps they made that expression because they are thinking of something else that has nothing to do with me. 

A good CBT practitioner can help you identify when you are engaging in distorted thinking and ultimately, how to stop engaging in these thinking traps and become more mindful of the thoughts you incorporate into your perception. As you become aware of what distorted thoughts you are using in your daily life, I think you will start to feel more in control of your interactions with other people, this in turn will lead to experiencing paranoia less often. 

I wish you well in your therapeutic journey.