my brother have a self-esteem problem. i wanna know what i can do to help him.

Hi Marwa, 

Thank you so much for your question. It really says a lot about the relationship you have with your brother that you're reaching out here. It's hard to see the people we care about being so hard on themselves, and especially when those feelings of insecurity result in them giving up! You can't be his therapist (and shouldn't try to be) but there are definitely things you can do to help. 

You can offer support. Offering to spend time and truly listen to him could help him feel more connected to you and to the world. I know you said he spends a lot of his time alone and rarely talks to you but are there things that he enjoys doing? Are there activities you could engage in with him that would give you a more informal chance to talk? Extending the invitation and making a point to show care can have a big impact. People with low self-esteem often lack the initiative to make plans with someone. You may have to initiate plans yourself and stick with them. Difficulty in reaching out and following through in social plans is not a slight towards you. Rather, it reflects on the anxiety, fear, or depression a person with low self-esteem may have.

You risk alienating the person you are trying to help if you directly tell them how they should think about themselves or how they should act. Instead, support your brother for who he is, and try to encourage him towards and model healthier emotional self-care. You can help him interrogate the negative thoughts by asking questions. When he says "I'm a loser" you can ask "What makes you feel that way?" or "Did something happen to cause you to think that way?" His feelings are valid, and you shouldn't try to tell him directly how he should feel or not feel but you can potentially help him challenge the thinking and find a way out. 

If a person has low self-esteem, they may often personalize the issue. The problem is with them, and it is something that seems unable to be solved. It can help to have a person come at it from a fresh angle. Remember that problem-solving usually can only be done after some of the more negative emotion is expressed. If there is something specific getting in your brother's way and he is able to articulate that to you- this gives you an opening to help him create active strategies for change. 

It can also be helpful to work with him on recognizing the messages that are coming from his negative "inner voice." We all have one and some are louder or more critical than others. The first step is recognizing where the messages are coming from and how often they are happening- then he can start challenging them with evidence. It can be helpful to model and explain how you manage your own "inner voice." Emphasize that even when things do not work out as you had hoped, you do not blame or berate yourself. Model an inner voice that actually shows the support that you would give a dear friend, not the abuse that you wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Lastly- suggest therapy, gently, if you think it will be helpful. If you feel that your brother has deeper issues than you can personally help with, try suggesting that he attend therapy. BetterHelp is a great platform that removes a lot of the barriers to traditional in-person therapy. Ultimately, self-esteem is a personal issue, and people who have low self-esteem have to help themselves to truly get better. You can offer encouragement and support, but you cannot improve other people’s self-esteem.