What would be the first step to stop doubting yourself ?

Dear Cat, 

You are doing the right thing in reaching out for help. Self-doubt is such a hindrance! And the low self-esteem that goes along with it is often irrational. I have observed so many times that a person might even know deep down, on a logical level, that they are as worthy, competent, and likable as anyone else. But that stubborn emotional block that does not let you believe it is a constant frustration. Fortunately, there are ways to work toward shifting your mindset, which can be very freeing and allow you to go forward without that holding you back.

You bring up a key point that is a major cause of self-doubt and needless suffering:  Comparing yourself to others. Have you ever heard the saying, “Compare and despair”? There is so much truth in that. Honestly, self-comparison never leads to anything good; it always results in a person feeling bad about themselves.

Before I get into some specific ways to combat self-doubt, I would like to give you a question to reflect on. That question is:  What aspects of yourself are you comparing with others? I always ask my clients this when we start working on this problem. Sometimes they will say their appearance or personality. Others will reference people they know who are talented, and say that by comparison they don’t have any particular talents. Sometimes they reference someone who is “good at everything” – professionally successful, well-read and knowledgeable, able to talk to anyone about anything.

In case the last part applies to you, I have a few things to say about that. One example I have heard many times involves a person’s willingness to speak up in conversations and risk embarrassment. The self-doubting person will say that the people they know are able to speak intelligently about everything, or are funny or witty, etc. They say that, by comparison, they don’t have anything meaningful or interesting to contribute to conversations.

I have heard so many people say things like this, and say it with such certainty. It always makes me come back to one core idea:  The value of a person for what they know and what they can do versus who they are. And I DON'T mean that in the way of, "If you are just a good person it's okay if you don't know much and can't do much." It is way more than that.

What people are often missing when they think this way is this: as you mature and gain more comfort with yourself and confidence in being yourself, the unique qualities that you bring to a relationship or situation tend to shine through.

A client once told me that their friend knew a lot about movies, books, art, current events, etc. In wanting to be more interesting and likable themselves, they said, “I don’t know how I will ever catch up.”  I told them that it is maybe not so much a matter of “catching up” as it is of looking at the world (and art, books, movies, etc.) through their own eyes and respecting what they see.

Self-doubt and self-comparison often go hand-in-hand with a fear of saying something stupid or being wrong and looking ignorant. This fear, in turn, leads the person to avoid voicing their own thoughts, impressions, and opinions. And that often means that they censor themselves to the point of stifling the best ideas and insights they might have to offer.

So, since you asked for a first step in overcoming self-doubt, that is a good one. It is scary at first, but if you start by – even one time – taking the risk of looking foolish and saying what is in your mind instead of censoring it, the rewards and self-confidence that build over time can be great.

Here are a few more thoughts about defeating that self-doubting voice in your head:

Look at the objective facts. People often doubt their worth and competence despite evidence to the contrary. They doubt that they are likable and lovable even though they are told the opposite by people in their lives.

This state of mind is made up of a collection of “cognitive distortions.” In the field of cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive distortions are defined as habitual ways of thinking that are extremely negative and usually inaccurate. They tend to fall in about ten different categories; here are several examples:

• Polarized thinking. Also known as all-or-nothing thinking or black-and-white thinking. It seems to be human nature for everyone to get stuck at times in an “either/or” mentality. This kind of thinking says: I said one embarrassing thing; that means I am totally socially inept. Such thoughts feed self-doubt because no one is perfect or says the right thing 100% of the time. 
• Catastrophizing. Also known as assuming the worst, this is a tendency to see ambiguous situations from the most negative perspective. a sense that the most negative explanation must be true.
• Mental filtering. This is related to polarized thinking. For example, if you allow one mistake to make you feel completely incompetent, you have mentally filtered out the numerous times you have made wise and sound decisions.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is based on the premise that our feelings are based on our thoughts and our thoughts are based on our beliefs. But sometimes beliefs are so much a long-standing part of us, that we don't even think of them as something we believe - something that may or may not be true. Instead, they just seem like reality to us, and we never think to question them. For example, an underlying belief might be, "I need to be perfect in order to be acceptable." Is that really true? If you believe it is, then every imperfection will cause you to question your overall worth as a person. Questioning underlying beliefs is a lot of work, but the time and energy spent is well worth it if it allows you to see yourself through a more realistic lens rather than a harshly negative one.

You had said that you have trouble getting close to anyone because you always assume that people are going to leave. This deep fear of rejection is another manifestation of your struggle with feelings of low self-worth. If you are considering pursuing therapy, I highly recommend that you do. Working with a therapist to sort out your view of yourself – to question your negative beliefs and begin to recognize your positive qualities – can be very freeing and life-changing.

I hope this has been helpful, and wish you the best.

Julie