What do I do? What can I do?

Hi Hector.  Thanks for posting your question here on BetterHelp.  

I sense you are feeling regret about your past and you haven't lived up to expectations that you've had for yourself.  You may have been thinking thoughts of what "should" have happened by now or where you might have been if things had happened in a different way.  'Should haves' are a way of thinking that are called cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are habitual ways of thinking that are often inaccurate and negatively biased. Cognitive distortions usually develop over time in response to adverse events.  When negative patterns of thinking happen, clients have sometimes developed unhealthy coping skills or have little to no coping skills.  Might this be the case for you?

You said you allowed everything in your life to build up to a point where you exploded and quit your job.  I am curious what was weighing on you.  What kind of support did you have? Did you have support to talk about or manage what was going on?  You said you "exploded."  What did exploding look like?  Do you mean that you got angry and lashed out at someone?  Do you mean that you made decisions that you wouldn't have normally made?  Something else?

Either way, your job has put you on leave.  That tells me that you are valued by your company or employer.  Now is the time where you can work on yourself.  Those things that have built up inside you and caused you to explode; I'd suggest you begin forming a relationship with a therapist and bring them all to him/her/them.  A mental health professional can guide you to begin working through any regret, sadness or other emotions you may have.

If you need assistance connecting with a counselor, please reach out to support.  Again, thank you for posting your question here.  Best wishes.