Why am I this way? What can I do to grow?

A traumatic event is something that impacts people's lives- sometimes even more than they think. Traumatic situations are very significant and impactful events that lead some people to feel anxiety or fear over what occurred. For instance, a devastating tornado or being bullied can be a traumatic event for some people. Thus, it can take a big toll on us (both physically and mentally). And we may begin coping with it in the best way we know how, but it may feel quite stressful and unmanageable.

We can see how experiencing traumatic events can lead to adaptation in whatever coping skills we utilize to get through it. For example, someone who experienced a tornado with extensive damage in their environment may be fearful of their hometown, which may lead to isolation from others or avoiding the area. And someone who is bullied may be uneasy about meeting new people for the fear that these new individuals may say harsh things or judge them. Thus, they may shut down and not want to speak to new people. Our bodies may shut down go into survival mode and do what it feels is best for us. This includes being alive and being comfortable.

After these eventful situations occur, some people experience trauma and the body copes with it in the way it knows best- whether conscious or not. Finding ways to shield ourselves is what we do to keep living our lives (even if it means that we may limit some life experiences). So let's say someone who experienced a tornado may no longer enjoy their home or want to speak to their loved ones because they are dealing with a lot of intense emotions. This would prevent them from really being present in their lives and may not enjoy it to its fullest. Also, someone who was bullied may be hesitant to make new friends. They may limit their social interactions with others and therefore miss out on meeting friendly individuals; they may also miss a fun social event. Thus, we can see how wanting to shield oneself can lead to missing out. We can understand why people do the things that they do to shield themselves, but it also means that they may be limiting life experiences as a result of shielding themselves more than they need to do so.

So how do we find that balance? The answer is that it takes time. If the stressors or behaviors that we are concerned about stem from trauma, we know where to start. First identifying the trauma, then acknowledging that it impacted us, then processing the trauma, and finally finding closure can help us move forward. Some people are able to figure this out on their own, but some individuals benefit from processing the trauma with a mental health provider. Processing trauma can take some time, but it also has one of the highest prognosis. So there is definitely hope that once someone overcomes it, they can have a "normal" life (without the impact of the trauma hanging over their head so heavily).

In terms of having past trauma impacting your current decision-making, it makes total sense. Based on past experiences, we learn ways to shield ourselves (even if it may mean limiting ourselves from certain life experiences). And sometimes that may mean limiting how we express emotions. If we came from a household or environment where it wasn't safe to express how we feel, we can see why we would hold back. Others, who come from an environment where sharing feelings was embraced, so they may not fully understand. Nevertheless, we can see the difference in upbringing can sometimes cause misunderstandings.  

But you're right, holding in our emotions can cause buildup to the point that we may no longer be able to take it. Think of a thermometer (colder temperature being the emotions we can contain and hotter temperature meaning that it's intense). One the thermometer reaches the highest temperature, it makes sense that it ruptures (as it cannot hang onto it anymore). So how do we deal with this? It really will consist of practicing assertiveness communication. Expressing how we feel to others on a consistent basis. We can say how we feel and what we need in a firm yet non-aggressive way. And getting comfortable with this process can take some time especially if it's one that's not familiar to us. 

Trauma also trains many of us to feel that certain uncomfortable situations are unsafe. The concept of comfort means that something feels familiar and pleasant. On the other hand, being safe means that we are free from danger or harm. Traumatic experiences are uncomfortable situations that were unsafe. Thus, the mind can translate that uncomfortable equals unsafe. But this may or may not be true. For example, meeting new people may be uncomfortable. But if they are respectful and kind individuals, it's not an unsafe situation to greet and converse with them. So it may just take some time for us to be open to uncomfortable situations, but it is possible. 

And lastly, traumatic experiences are ones we can get past, but it doesn't mean that we forget. We can find healthier ways to look at the traumatic experiences even though it may also mean that we are now more cautious at times. And that is completely understandable. Learning to identify when our guard goes up, identifying red flags, and then determining if it's worth taking that risk exploring the situation can be very helpful. It's a process within itself, but it can be quite helpful for us to determine if it's worth taking the risk. As I mentioned before, it can take some time to move forward in this journey. But it is absolutely possible to move past a traumatic experience and become more open to new, safe experiences. This journey can look very different for everyone whether they do it alone or with the guidance of a mental health professional. Best of luck on your journey.