Anxiety, overthinking, fear

Hello,

I"m so sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience. This sounds like it has been very hard for you to experience this loss.  You are not alone.  It is actually quite common for people to have a fear of dying or being terminally ill, especially once they have experienced a traumatic event of seeing a loved one die.   You can feel completely helpless in the process. If you had a very close relationship with your mom, it would explain why you may be having "phantom" feelings of being ill and why this has impacted you so strongly.

Many times death can be a very traumatic experience.  I'm not sure how long she was in critical condition, but watching someone fall ill and then die will leave a devastating impact on your life.  You may often find yourself replaying the event over and over again in your mind. Also, remembering the event in every detail.  You could also be very triggered over the slightest thing, not want to sleep (due to fear of dying), and living in fear of death.  You could be experiencing Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder with depression and anxiety.

It would helpful for you to share your experiences, thoughts, and feelings in a bereavement group with others who also understand your pain.  Also, choosing to speak with a professional who understands bereavement can also help you overcome all the stages of grief and loss.  Sometimes, talking to a professional can help you process everything that has happened so you are not stuck on a negative loop of overthinking the trauma.

I would strongly encourage you to seek out professional help so you can start to move into the "acceptance stage" and help release the overthinking, anxiety, and fear.  You can also perhaps get a psychiatric assessment if you feel you need medication to help you in the meantime.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother.  It is very hard to see and go through this process. 

I wish you nothing but the best in healing from this situation.