How Does Grief Work?

Grief works differently for everyone. It is a process, though, and everyone must go through this process to grieve appropriately. We should not fear this process since it is natural to mourn the loss of loved ones and the loss of friendships, careers, and even marriages (i.e., divorce).

In terms of the process of grief, there is a very good model that explains this process. The Kubler-Ross five stages of grief model. In this model, the one mourning tends to go through five different steps, with the last step is accepting what has been lost.

The first stage of grieving is denial. In this stage, the mourner tries to deny the reality of the situation and cannot fully grasp what has been lost. Once this denial is over, the mourner enters the second stage: anger. Here the mourner becomes irritable and exasperated that someone or something has been taken from them. Sometimes, the mourner may even look for someone to blame for the loss.   

In the bargaining stage, the mourner wants to avoid the grieving process and negotiate a way around it. The fourth stage is one that many people who have experienced loss understand all too well: depression. It is at this stage that the reality of the loss fully sets in. Intense sadness sets in, and the mourner often withdraws from social activity.

However, the depression phase sets the stage for the final stage: acceptance. As the name suggests, this is where the mourner comes to terms with the loss fully and begins to reintegrate themselves back into social life.

There is criticism of this model that it lacks scientific validation or that it is not very precise. However, in the counseling profession, we often see people go through these particular stages. At the same time, it is important to keep in mind that the stages are not necessarily progressive. People can skip stages but also move backward from bargaining to anger or even denial. It is not a perfect model by any means, but it seems to be the best explanation of how grief works in a person’s life.