What does normal grief look like?

Dear Pin,

I’m so glad you have come to us at BetterHelp. It’s a brave step. 

First of all, let me assure you that there are lots of ways to start feeling better after losing someone close to us. The pain never goes away, but it does get smaller and smaller over time. My favorite metaphor about grief and loss is the “ball in a box.” Please forgive me if you have already heard this one: imagine a box with a button at the bottom. Every time that button is pushed, you feel immense pain of the loss of your loved one. Now imagine that there is a ball placed in the box. At first, the ball is the exact size of the box, so it is constantly pushing the button. Over time, and after processing your grief and working through it, the ball *Slowly* starts to shrink. After a while, you may have a few minutes that are not filled with grief, as the ball does not touch the button. As the ball gets smaller, you might get an hour or two. After time, you will eventually get a whole day with only partial grief as the ball rolls over the button. The ball and button never go away, but the ball eventually gets so small that you only experience the pain sporadically.

So what can you do to start shrinking the ball? There are many ways that your therapist here on BetterHelp will help you process your grief. Usually, grief counseling consists of these steps (but there is lots of variation):

The first task your therapist will help you with is to accept the reality of the loss. For some of us, it can just feel unreal (especially when the death was sudden) and it takes a while for the reality to sink in. Part of this task is telling the story of the loss to your therapist. Sometimes this can be a huge relief (especially if your friends, family, and others in your social network are not interested in discussing the death).

The second task is to process and truly experience the immense pain of grief (sounds fun, right?). Sometimes we avoid feeling the pain until it comes out in different ways. You may also have anger at your loved one for leaving you or hard feelings toward others in your life who you may have felt should have done more. Sometimes after a death we even feel a sense of relief because our loved one isn’t suffering anymore (and then we may feel guilt about feeling relieved). With your therapist, you will be able to address all of the feelings associated with death and mourning. Your therapist won’t judge, so you have the opportunity to be open and honest.

The third task is to focus on adjusting to life and a world without your loved one. This can include discussing all the things you used to do together and how they are different for you now (especially around the holidays and major events). Your therapist can help you strategize to prepare you for these changes.

The fourth task is to find ways to commemorate and celebrate the life of your loved one so that your thoughts of them do not just center on the last days of their life. There are many, many ways to celebrated your loved ones who have passed, and your therapist can help come up with ideas that are appropriate for your stage of mourning.

Every loss and relationship is different, so there is no one correct timeframe for mourning. However, it sounds like your grief has gone on so long and so intensely that it has reduced your social life, your quality of life, and I’m guessing also your school or work success.

In addition to processing your feelings related to grief and mourning, your therapist can help you cope with more general feelings of depression. In particular, he or she can help you with learning about the links between depression and cognition. A few decades of social science research have helped us understand that our thought patterns and how we consider the world and events lead to specific emotions. Your therapist can teach you more about the cognitive model and describe some practical tools to change the maladaptive thought patterns (in other words, the ways of thinking that keep bringing you down). There are so many practical ways to get started with this work, and it can help strengthen you throughout your life.

Your therapist will also help you with coping with loneliness and increasing your social network. If you are lonely and needing help increasing your social network, this is another great task your therapist can help with. Further, your therapist will be kind and empathic – the kind of person you can tell anything. Sometimes just being able to open up can help us feel so much better (especially if you are having trouble trusting others since your loved one’s death).

In addition, you may want to pay attention to other quality of life factors such as your sleep patterns, how you are eating, and whether you are finding any time to get exercise and activity. All of these factors can play a role in helping you feel a bit better every day.

Again, I am so glad that you have come to BetterHelp for talk therapy and emotional support. I hope that your relationship with your therapist here provides you relief from the pain. I’m wishing all the best for you!

Best regards,

Julie

Note: If you are in crisis and feeling like hurting yourself, please call 911, go to your closest emergency department, or call the suicide hotline (the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) immediately at 800-273-8255. You could also go to their website to chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.