How do I move on?

Hi Nicky,

Thank you for your question, as this is something many people struggle with.  How do I move on from a breakup?  In order to help you with this question, let's first look at your reasons for staying with someone for three years who you consider not good for you.  This is also something that many of us do.  One of the reasons you might have stayed for so long, is that your standard comparison was low.  In other words, your expectations of what to accept from a relationship is low, often because you don't expect to be treated any better with someone else.  This is correlated with low self-esteem and self-worth, and/or unhealthy past relationships.  Therapy can help you discover your own value and improve your confidence and self-worth.  When we see our own value, we expect a higher standard from a relationship and do not tolerate mistreatment.      

Love is another reason people stay.  If you believe you love him, you may experience and accept both negative and positive feelings you receive from the relationship.  You may know that he is not healthy for you, but emotionally still feel positive feelings.  You may have stayed because you thought the bad will get better, and stayed with the hope that the relationship may change because it has the potential to be so great one day.  This is a narrative that keeps us stuck, hoping and staying for the future relationship that never comes.  At some point you must have realized that what you have is what you get, and the changes may never come.  The relationship we are in today is the one we need to evaluate, not the one that could be, or might be in one day.  

There are many other reasons why we stay in unhealthy relationships, including the value of time we already invested, being manipulated into it, fear of being alone, etc.  But, at some point you realized that all of these reasons were not enough to stay in an unhealthy relationship.  So, now it's time to find "YOU" again.  This shift in your focus on you can be very healing for you.  Explore what you like to do, what drives you and what brings you joy.  Reestablish that relationship with yourself and gain a solid foundation of who you are.  Again, therapy can help with that.  This includes changing up your living space, your wardrobe, reinventing yourself.  Focusing on your mental health, your long term goals, and self-care will help you recover as well.  

Remember that you are not alone, and so it is important to reach out to friends and family for support, as well as therapy.  As you continue processing what kept you in this unhealthy cycle, you can move on and never repeat it again, finding a healthy, lasting relationship next time, once you know who you are and what you want.  But, only when you're ready.  You are never in a rush.  I wish you all the best on this journey of self-discovery.  Good luck!