Regarding a toxic relationship, codependency

Dear Ingrid,

Firstly thank you for reaching out for help which is always a great first step, so well done.  Without seeing you face to face or being able to explore more about each of the issues you bring up in real-time, I wanted to both reflect on some of what you stated but also pose some questions for you.

1) You say you've been in the relationship for over 11 years but what has changed recently where you've decided to step forward and ask for support. Why now?

2) You mention that your relationship with your partner is unhealthy - You say 'I feel very bad with him' and 'I can't feel like myself in the relationship' and 'I know I'm different when I'm around him.'

It seems as if you have suspended your true self, perhaps to make space for this relationship and you seem to have left yourself behind. It would be good to explore more about what it is you feel 'bad' about, why you can't 'feel yourself in the relationship', and what makes you 'different' when you're around him.

3) You mention that you 'have lost your purpose and yourself' which must only mean that you at one point had this and truly felt this. I feel hopeful about this and also the statements you made towards the end which were 'I want to thrive' and 'I feel so much potential in me'. These are important and hopeful phrases to hold on to.

Within all the 'stuckness' that you feel, you are still capable of listening to that voice inside you that sees your potential for thriving. In my opinion, this is the voice of your resilient nature.

4) It sounds as if you know what the issues are in your life and you're aware that your relationship is unhealthy, so you don't need to be enlightened about this.  You also acknowledge and open up about the things that are not working in your life and this is really important, as one of the first ways we begin to make a change is to actually acknowledge that this is where we are in life, we might not like it, but this is the truth about what we've created. Only from this place can we start to take the first step forward and make a change.

If you could have a choice to have things differently, what do you really want?

5) Since you've approached BetterHelp, what are you hoping this will support you with?

In your current reality, there is not only a partner but also a young baby which might have changed the dynamic between you and your partner, it would be good to know more details about why you feel bad when you are with your partner and what this toxicity looks like and how it manifests. Especially since the impact of this is that you can't function in your life and work, it would be good to explore why you feel under his control.

I believe that you might need support to reflect on your current situation, without judgment or criticism towards yourself, and gain clarity on what a healthy relationship/life looks like, and what tools you might need to begin to navigate towards that direction.

Good luck and I hope that you find the strength to continue your quest to gain clarity about your relationship, find your potential and begin to thrive.