Ask a therapist > Relationships > What do I do?

What do I do?

I started talking to my girlfriend a couple of years ago. At the beginning I didn't feel like it was serious so I would talk to other girls. When we started dating and being serious I was good. Then i started gaining followers on social media and all this attention from girls was being thrown at me. Eventually i would just talk to girls here and there. All while still being with my girlfriend. That summer I went on a trip where i pretty much acted single and would have sexual relations with girls, nothing more. At this time me and my girlfriend haven't had sex for about 7 months. I came home and was good. I loved this girl and at that time i only wanted her. Then came a point where we had a falling out. She kinda put me to the side and when i would try to talk about how i was feeling it was brushed off. I didn't like where i was living and decided to move. At this point we were still rocky and decided to try long distance but we didn't know how it'll work. Since then i've had a couple of sexual encounters. My girlfriend and I haven't had sex in like a year and a half now. I really love this girl but i feel as though doing this i shouldn't be with her. It would be soul crushing to tell her. And part of me feels like it was ok to get my sex urges out, emotionally i felt nothing towards these other girls. I have been loyal again for a while now but am conflicted on how to feel.

Asked by Wes

Relationships

Answered

10/28/2022

Hello Wes,

Thank you for the vulnerability of your question. It seems like you find yourself in a place where you don't know what to do. It sounds like there has been a lot of ineffective communication with your girlfriend on both parts, and that this has led you to take actions to get your needs met that you now regret. As far as whether you should tell your partner or not; do you feel you can feel comfortable in the relationship with those secrets to hide?

I can understand the fear and anxiety about how your girlfriend will respond to knowing you had intimate relationships with other people. However, if you do not open up about how your sexual needs aren't getting met is it likely you will seek that need to be met again? I can't tell you what to do in a situation like this, but I can say that lack of communication and secrets do have a tendency to harm trust in a relationship, but it can always be repaired.

I encourage you to meet with a therapist, who also can't tell you what to do, but can help you to sort through your thoughts and values regarding the relationship. A therapist would also be able to help you to set boundaries and how to talk assertively with your girlfriend so she is not dismissing your feelings and needs. There are many therapists here on BetterHelp ready to assist you in working through these present circumstances. You can also seek therapy through more traditional means either through your insurance or a community mental health clinic.

There is absolutely hope for the relationship if that were to be the choice you make, and I encourage you to consider therapy for yourself to sort through what you want, but then also highly recommend couples work if you decide to tell your girlfriend and you both decide to work through things. Again, it truly sounds like things have been two sided and there has been lack of effective communication/not listening to one another's needs. Couples therapy can help you both to communicate with one another and to understand one another's needs.

Thank you again for your question. Take care.

Heather Michael