Where Do Attachment Issues Come From?

Types of Attachment

When it comes to attachment, there are two different types of attachment, insecure and secure. Both can have dramatic impacts on childhood, but also future relationships as well. Attachment is formed at a very young age; some say even birth. When a child is born, one of the first things a doctor likes to do is place the baby on their mother’s chest, allowing for what is called “skin-to-skin” contact. Babies form attachments through touch and forms of affection, and it starts on day one.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment can be defined in the simplest of terms when a child grows up in an environment that is safe, dependable, and consistent. Let’s break those terms down and paint a picture of what that looks like. When a baby cries, their parents come to check on them. When a baby is hungry, they know that their parents will feed them. Children growing up in a home where secure attachments are forming know that their parents will respond similarly when they go to their parents with an issue. If they break a vase, the parent will be disappointed and upset but will still express love and kindness at the end of the interaction. They know that what made mom laugh today will likely make her laugh tomorrow, and what made mom angry would be something to avoid moving forward. In a nutshell, a child learns to trust the adults in their life but also themselves. They learn that the world is a safe place where their needs will be met, and parents act like a secure base to which to return when they feel unsure.

Insecure Attachment

With insecure attachment, a child grows up in a home that may have various issues present. For example, the home may be chaotic, with domestic violence, abuse, or inappropriate behavior. Or the parent may be providing a safe place to live but withholding their love and affection. One of the hardest things for a child to go through is living in an invalidating environment. This means that parents deny or invalidate a child’s feelings, basically telling them they are “wrong” for feeling that way. A child does not learn to “trust their gut” and learns that some feelings are “bad or wrong.”

The child also learns that they cannot trust their parents or the world around them. When they cry, parents show up to console them one day, but the next day they do not, or might even threaten punishment if the child keeps crying. The child never knows what parent they will get each day; the parent is loving and kind, or the parent who is harsh and unforgiving. Often adults with attachment issues describe an environment in which they felt they were constantly walking on eggshells, unsure how to approach each day.

Even if an adult grows up to have unhealthy or insecure attachments, they can learn to attach later in life; there is no expiration date on this process. Often important tasks in counseling include working on identifying and establishing healthy attachments to a partner or spouse. People can go on to have healthy, loving relationships regardless of these early experiences.