Where do relationships go wrong?

So many relationships go outside themselves to improve whatever they believe might be elementally wrong inside it. Some common examples include working extra to bring in extra income. Unless there is a clear goal for this, like paying off a bill both parties are upon, it serves to actually stress the relationship more by more time spent apart and tiring one member (or both) in the relationship. Another example is what many counselors identify as overcompensating. A person who focuses on making the house, a meal, or themselves as perfect as possible to please the other. Even though that may work for the receiver, the giver may burn out even more by doing that. A third example is avoiding conflict at all costs because they interpret conflict as putting stress on the relationship. So, they slowly begin to act more and more inauthentic, pretending everything is ok. Out of that frustration, they may go outside of the relationship for an authentic connection or an inauthentic one that feels better at the moment.

Making things right.

Relationships are not perfect, and they are not sustainable without some level of effort, which is where many relationships go wrong. Effort in the wrong direction. As stated above, many people are motivated to improve relationships, but how they go about it can often worsen the situation. Most relationships begin to improve through skillful communication of one another’s thoughts and feelings. Where people go wrong is mind-reading and assuming what is needed vs. really attuned listening of concerns. Another area is not placing enough emphasis on growing the relationship. No relationship needs to focus 100% of the time, but most need focus, goals, activities, and conversations to grow and develop the relationship over time. And many relationships benefit by having a counselor present to help navigate the most difficult emotions that led to problems in the first place.

Continuing the good practices.

Regardless of how long you’re in a relationship, the following practices will help keep the relationship strong and possibly go in the wrong direction. Always make quality time for one another that is doing what you both enjoy and make time for what the other enjoys to support those interests. In this quality time, remove distractions by turning off technology, getting childcare, and not multitasking. Be present when empathy and listening are needed. If it is not a good time, communicate a good time to talk. Practice respect and regard. Mistakes are part of life, and we accept them within reason from each other. Find the “normal” that works for you. There is no one size fits all kind of relationship.