Where does attraction come from?

Attraction can take many forms. It can be romantic (attraction based on a person’s desire to have a romantic relationship with someone), physical (attraction based on physical characteristics that one finds appealing), sexual (attraction based on a person’s desire to have a sexual relationship with someone), or emotional (attraction based on personality traits). Attraction is also a complicated emotion in the sense that I can “feel” different for everyone. Attraction is further complicated as some people experience one kind of attraction but might not necessarily experience another (as is the case with people who are asexual or aromantic).

When figuring out where attraction comes from, there are a few common perspectives and explanations. There are theories that attraction comes from primarily biological concepts. Chemicals, hormones, or even evolutionary traits can explain why we feel “drawn” to certain people and not to others.

Another explanation is that attraction comes from social constructs around what people “should” find attractive. These different traits are determined by society and can change over time. When analyzing different movies, magazines, TV shows, and even fashion trends over the course of history, there have been social messages as to what traits (both physical and personality-wise) would make an ideal partner. These messages and narratives could influence what we perceive as attractive whether we realize it or not.

Then, there is the theory that attraction comes from individual histories and experiences. We might find someone attractive based on traits that we find familiar or comforting. We might be drawn to people who remind us of past relationship partners or even family members. As we begin to break down attraction as this very complicated, complex concept, it becomes more apparent that just one explanation of where it “comes from” is not going to cut it! Because attraction, as an emotion, can feel different based on each person, it is safe to conclude that attraction can come from several different places and explain from several different perspectives. For example, someone might experience attraction coming from a place that feels very physical and biological, but that is also influenced or even determined by their personal history.