Why do I feel like this?

Dear Alex,

It sounds like you are already remarkably insightful about some of the patterns that might make forming relationships difficult. It is incredibly frustrating and depressing to invest so much time, passion, and emotion in a relationship and then to see it fall apart without knowing why. I am guessing it also makes you a bit nervous about starting new relationships. I do not blame you at all for asking that big question: “WHY?”

I want to throw this out there: regardless of the “WHY?”, I think you could be asking “WHAT NEXT?” In fact, there are lots of practical things that you can do to help ensure that your future relationships are a high quality. Discussing with your therapist will help generate additional ideas, but here are three big ones:

 1) Allow yourself to be picky with partners.

Imagine that instead of looking for a new partner, you are interviewing job candidates. If you are hiring someone, you do not want to pick the first applicant that comes along (even if it seems like they really like the job). A good employer makes sure that the fit is right both ways so that there is no regret later. It is the same with dating. Sometimes we may not feel like we deserve the partner we want. However, if you settle for someone less, then you may be expecting less and it might start to show in your behavior. Take some time to consider what you are looking for and make a realistic wish list to help you identify your priorities. And please keep in mind that you are valuable and WORTH meeting these priorities. Ask yourself questions like:

 - What kind of sense of humor is important to me?

 - How much are looks important to me?

 - What kind of activities do I want to be able to do with my partner?

 - How should my partner and I talk about what we want in sex?

 - How should my partner and I solve problems when we disagree about little things (for example, the best way to wash dishes)? How should we solve problems when we disagree about big things (for example, how we want to spend money)?

 - What kind of dates do I expect?

 - How fast should my partner get back to me when I text or call?

 - Should my partner and I to do fun things apart or only together?

 - How important is it that my partner get along with my friends?

 -How important is it that my partner get along with my family?

 - What are my limits? Are there any things that I absolutely will not allow from a partner (like physical violence, certain kinds of substance use)?

 After making your list, consider how it felt. Do you feel you deserve to have these needs met? (I think you do deserve to have a good partnership that meets your needs). Are the needs realistic? Which ones are the highest priority?

 2) Learn how to resolve conflicts.

 Every set of people has arguments and conflict (whether it is a romantic couple, a work partnership, friends, family). It is normal and healthy. However, if you grew up in a family without good conflict resolution, this may be a skill you could use some more work on. Some people shut down when there is a conflict, some people “fly off the handle”, some people run away. What is your style? This would be a great discussion with your therapist (there are also lots of excellent Groupinars here on BetterHelp!), but something you can do first may sound a bit cheesy: think about families on TV or movies you have seen. Find a character who solves conflict in a way you admire; someone who is able to clearly articulate problems and solve problems without increasing the conflict. How would that character react to some of the conflict you previously had in a relationship (not romantic)? How can you address future conflict in the same way?

 3) Improve your confidence and sense of self-worth. 

Unfortunately, my most important advice is probably the most difficult: find ways to feel better about yourself so that a) you are okay being single while healing from previous relationships and b) so that you have a better sense of self-worth (to find the partner you described back in Part 1). Again, your therapist here on BetterHelp is going to be very helpful with this, but a good way to start is by focusing on your strengths. What are some of the fantastic things about you? Please consider making a list of three good things about you or things you did each day. Pick a time of day, set an alarm on your phone, and jot them down. They can be big (I volunteered at a soup kitchen) or small (I took my dog on a walk). Every day write down three different things and the research says that your mood will start to improve a bit, you’ll feel better about yourself, and it becomes easier and easier to identify those good things once you start looking for them (like if someone points out all the VW Beetles, then that’s what you start noticing everywhere).

I see good things for you in your future. You are insightful and brave to take these first steps. No matter what kind of background you come from, you CAN have a fulfilling relationship (people recover from their pasts all the time!). I’m wishing you all the best.

Julie

Note: If you are in crisis and feeling like hurting yourself, please call 911, go to your closest emergency department, or call the suicide hotline (the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline) immediately at 800-273-8255. You could also go to their website to chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/