Why Relationships Don’t Work?

Relationships may not work for a variety of reasons. However, many of these reasons are often related to one word: communication. Couples who do not communicate very well often find that the relationship will eventually fall apart.

One common issue we counselors see when it comes to communication issues is how couples deal with conflict. Poor conflict resolution skills will sooner or later destroy a relationship. A good relationship can properly handle conflict when it inevitably arises.

The great marriage counselor/researcher John Gottman came up with the Four Horsemen of relationship conflict. He named them after the biblical harbingers of the end times because he felt that these four inadequate conflict management styles will always signal the end of a relationship. Gottman stated these deficient conflict types were: Contempt, Criticism, Stonewalling, and Defensiveness.

Contempt is when one person in the relationship is scornful of their partner, ridiculing them for their ideas and behaviors. They feel superior to that other person and have little empathy for their feelings. On the other hand, criticism is a lesser form of this behavior, it is still very destructive, but this communication style is easier to change than contempt. People who are critical of their partners often do not realize they are so harmful to the self-worth of others. They may even feel like they are helping via their critical comments.

Stonewalling is when someone no longer responds in a conflict; they may go silent or walk away. This is a form of rejection of the conflict altogether. Conflict adverse people often use this type of tactic to avoid conflict, hoping it will go away given time, but this usually leads to greater conflict in the future.

Finally, defensiveness is often a reaction someone will have when they feel unfairly blamed or criticized when in an argument. When someone becomes defensive, they are shutting down any potential for solving the conflict. Oftentimes, this will cause their partner to become defensive as well, making the conflict even worse.

How two people manage conflict will predicate whether a relationship works or doesn’t work. If you notice any of Gottman’s Four Horsemen in your interactions, seek the help of a counselor who can teach you better communication skills. It will be well worth your time and effort.