Since we are so close to 9/11 in time, let me use this 20-year old event as a metaphor. Disaster struck on the morning of 9/11/01. It took the nation and the world days and weeks to comprehend the impact and the loss we experienced. New Yorkers, though, had to keep going about their daily lives. Many had to drive or walk right by this giant crater where two landmark glorious structures once stood. Eventually, efforts were made to memorialize this spot. Psychologically and socially, most of us focused on this spot for months, but as we continued life we had to focus on other things. Yet this spot remained and still remains. Its a historical marker that we can all visit physically and mentally. Trauma and grief are like this historical marker in Manhatten. Its an indelible mark on the geography of our heart. New Yorkers who live and work nearby see it; they remember, but they can't stay there staring at it for long because they've got things to do. Eventually, it becomes part of the landscape. We have to do the same with the traumas and losses in our own lives - recognize they are part of our psychological landscape but not park our consciousness or our focus there because we've got things to do.
What you are describing in your life are Adverse Childhood Events. There's a test you can take to assess your level of adverse childhood events at https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/. This test has been widely studies and it indicates strongly that if you score 4 or higher you are much MUCH more likely to be at risk for addictions, mental health problems, suicide, and lifestyle related health problems. This means that the painful events of abuse and neglect we experience as a child have far-reaching effects on us as adults. What counteracts these negative effects are resiliencies - positive childhood events. These can be positive experiences, influential people that were helpful and not hurtful, education, and your own adaptabilities. The book and movie "Hillbilly Elegy" is a great example of both ACEs and Resiliencies. The main character, JD Vance, had a grandmother that provided some protection and a lot of motivation to focus on education. This allowed him to break the cycle of dysfunction that was so prevalent in his family of origin.
We are all born into families that we cannot choose. Many of us experience hurt and trauma that results in us trying to survive as best we know how. This is called "The Adaptive Child". The adaptive child develops patterns of thinking and behaving that help her survive. The problem is that these thoughts and behaviors are carried into our adulthood and prevent us from becoming functional adults. The "Functional Adult" is able to adapt again by dropping the now obsolete and useless thoughts and behaviors that worked to keep them alive as children but now are problematic as adults. For instance, it's a good survival technique for kids to be mindful of their caregivers' well-being and happiness - because if mom or dad is doing OK then the kid can relax a little. So their efforts to manage and fix things to keep their caregivers happy are very reinforced. This carries over to adulthood with bad consequences. Functional adults don't want to be managed. They have healthy boundaries that say "my response is my responsibility" and a mentality to "stay in my own lane".
So the challenge is parenting yourself instead of everyone else. This means being in charge of managing your own emotions and letting other people figure out their emotions. It means being aware of what you need in order to be emotionally and relationally healthy and prioritizing this appropriately. What did you need and not receive in order to experience safety, esteem, trust, love and well-being? Rather than dismissing these as unimportant, prioritize them and find ways to get them in ways that are good for you and good for those around you.
Self-acceptance and nurturance are vital to mental health and healthy relationships. Virginia Satir has a great statement of self-esteem and I would advise using it as a mantra that would put "all that crap" in its proper place in your life. I admire you for asking the question and seeking answers. I hope you find this answer helpful.
My Declaration of Self-Esteem By Virginia Satir
"I am me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone choose it. I own everything about me : my body, including everything it does; my mind, including all its thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the images of all they behold; my feelings , whatever they might be anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth, and all the words that come out of it, polite, sweet or rough, correct or incorrect; my voice, loud or soft; and all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own all my triumphs and successes , all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me . By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts. I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is me. This is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time. When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting. I can discard that which is unfitting , and keep that which proved fitting, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me and I am okay."